Another Long Journey.
I don’t even know why I’m making this post but yeah. Recently I’ve been thinking about just how much I need to learn to love myself. For some reason I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way. I mean, I’m almost 27, shouldn’t I have this figured out by now? Shouldn’t I love myself at this point in life?
This is my weight loss blog and even though I’ve seen success with it for once in my life, I’ve also realized that the lie of “oh I’ll be happy when I start losing weight” isn’t necessarily true. I’m happy for a moment and then I get frustrated when I don’t see results at all or if they’re not coming as fast as I’d like. I know it has to start with me. I know that even if I get to my goal size it won’t be enough. It won’t ultimately make me happy. You’ve got to fix the inside as well and I’m starting to realize that.
I’ve been my biggest critic for my whole life. “Amber you’re not smart enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re not small enough, you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve to be loved because of those things.” These have been things I’ve said to myself for years and years. That’s all complete bullshit and I know that but it’s hard to break the cycle you’ve created for so long. It’s hard to believe otherwise, especially when you’re not hearing otherwise. I lost my father when I really wanted to start hearing those things and I craved it from my mother. I never got it and I still don’t hear that from her and I often wonder if my attitude towards myself would be different if I had grew up hearing those things.
Enough with the mommy issues. :)
I think another thing that I feel has played a huge impact on how I feel about myself is the fact that I was raped when I was a child and how it was handled wasn’t the best either. Pushing it off on a counselor and never really speaking about it or doing anything about it doesn’t help someone feel important. I’m literally just learning that my rape isn’t something that’s gonna make someone not love me. I’ve kept it to myself for years and years because I’ve felt like someone wouldn’t love me because of that. That something so shitty could play a part in someones love for me. Hell, that’s almost what society makes it seem like anyway isn’t it?
Speaking of society, because I’m fat, I don’t deserve love and I shouldn’t love myself. That’s what I’ve been seeing and hearing from society and the media as long as I can remember. You don’t deserve love if you’re not a size 2 and you sure as hell shouldn’t love yourself if you’re fat. That’s what society tells anyone who is not up-to-par with their standard of beauty. That couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s okay for me to love myself even if I’m not a size 2. I have no desire to be that size honestly and I should love myself regardless. That’s why I appreciate Taylor’s (housewifeswag) blog so much. I admire her confidence and I pray I get there some day. She isn’t a size 2 and she’s absolutely beautiful and loves herself. She’s confident and doesn’t let people that tell her otherwise bother her.
So this is the beginning of me starting another journey. This is me learning to love myself regardless of what others say, regardless of my weight, regardless of what society says. I’m gonna love myself because that’s what matters. My worth isn’t based on if the guy I’m into likes my Instagram selfie, my past, what others think. None of that means shit.
It sure as hell will not be easy because I’ve had this mind frame for the majority of my life and I know it’s gonna be a huge battle but I’m determined. I’m determined to love myself. I’m gonna love myself whether I’m single or not. Whether I’m a size 2 or 22. I am going to be confident in myself and love myself.