My Weight Loss Journey.

My Weight Loss Journey.

This blog is about my journey with my weight loss. The ups and downs, success and struggles and everything in between.

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Jul 31

I’ve lost all my motivation. I’m slipping back into old habits and not exercising as much but I’m slowly starting to get back into it.

I’m also meeting with a dietitian Monday bc I need and have always needed help in that area.

Hopefully I can get back into the swing of it and get this weight off.

Dec 17

Another Long Journey.

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I don’t even know why I’m making this post but yeah. Recently I’ve been thinking about just how much I need to learn to love myself. For some reason I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way. I mean, I’m almost 27, shouldn’t I have this figured out by now? Shouldn’t I love myself at this point in life? 

This is my weight loss blog and even though I’ve seen success with it for once in my life, I’ve also realized that the lie of “oh I’ll be happy when I start losing weight” isn’t necessarily true. I’m happy for a moment and then I get frustrated when I don’t see results at all or if they’re not coming as fast as I’d like. I know it has to start with me. I know that even if I get to my goal size it won’t be enough. It won’t ultimately make me happy. You’ve got to fix the inside as well and I’m starting to realize that. 

I’ve been my biggest critic for my whole life. “Amber you’re not smart enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re not small enough, you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve to be loved because of those things.” These have been things I’ve said to myself for years and years. That’s all complete bullshit and I know that but it’s hard to break the cycle you’ve created for so long. It’s hard to believe otherwise, especially when you’re not hearing otherwise. I lost my father when I really wanted to start hearing those things and I craved it from my mother. I never got it and I still don’t hear that from her and I often wonder if my attitude towards myself would be different if I had grew up hearing those things. 

Enough with the mommy issues. :)

I think another thing that I feel has played a huge impact on how I feel about myself is the fact that I was raped when I was a child and how it was handled wasn’t the best either. Pushing it off on a counselor and never really speaking about it or doing anything about it doesn’t help someone feel important. I’m literally just learning that my rape isn’t something that’s gonna make someone not love me. I’ve kept it to myself for years and years because I’ve felt like someone wouldn’t love me because of that. That something so shitty could play a part in someones love for me. Hell, that’s almost what society makes it seem like anyway isn’t it?

Speaking of society, because I’m fat, I don’t deserve love and I shouldn’t love myself. That’s what I’ve been seeing and hearing from society and the media as long as I can remember. You don’t deserve love if you’re not a size 2 and you sure as hell shouldn’t  love yourself if you’re fat. That’s what society tells anyone who is not up-to-par with their standard of beauty. That couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s okay for me to love myself even if I’m not a size 2. I have no desire to be that size honestly and I should love myself regardless. That’s why I appreciate Taylor’s (housewifeswag) blog so much. I admire her confidence and I pray I get there some day. She isn’t a size 2 and she’s absolutely beautiful and loves herself. She’s confident and doesn’t let people that tell her otherwise bother her. 

So this is the beginning of me starting another journey. This is me learning to love myself regardless of what others say, regardless of my weight, regardless of what society says. I’m gonna love myself because that’s what matters. My worth isn’t based on if the guy I’m into likes my Instagram selfie, my past, what others think. None of that means shit.

It sure as hell will not be easy because I’ve had this mind frame for the majority of my life and I know it’s gonna be a huge battle but I’m determined. I’m determined to love myself. I’m gonna love myself whether I’m single or not. Whether I’m a size 2 or 22. I am going to be confident in myself and love myself. 

Hello size of jean I haven’t worn in over a decade.

Sep 13
Hello size of jean I haven’t worn in over a decade.

This one is much better than the one I posted the other day.

Jul 30
This one is much better than the one I posted the other day.

peeps8705:

So this dress was my first weight loss goal. I bought this dress in January 2012 and I wanted to fit in it for my 25th birthday that April. Over a year later this dress is almost a bit too big.
Sometimes I just have to do stuff like this to remind myself that I’m actually making progress.

Jul 20
peeps8705:

So this dress was my first weight loss goal. I bought this dress in January 2012 and I wanted to fit in it for my 25th birthday that April. Over a year later this dress is almost a bit too big.  Sometimes I just have to do stuff like this to remind myself that I’m actually making progress.

peeps8705:

Y’all I haven’t worn this size since high school! I’m so excited!!!!

Apr 15
peeps8705:

Y’all I haven’t worn this size since high school! I’m so excited!!!!
Jan 18

So I weighed myself today. NO ME GUSTA. Just busted my ass on the dreaded treadmill. 

The apt complex I live in haven’t given us our new access cards to the clubhouse so I can’t go workout there early in the morning like I want. I tend to workout more consistently if I can do it early in the morning like before 9. Is that weird? No.

I need to kick myself in gear man. 

peeps8705:

So y’all can see the difference too right? 48lbs down and I still have a hard time telling a difference…

Jan 11
peeps8705:

So y’all can see the difference too right? 48lbs down and I still have a hard time telling a difference…
Jan 08

So I’m 5 lbs from losing 50 lbs. I’m not gonna lie, I’ll probably cry. I hate crying but I’ve cried when I’ve hit a milestone and then get pissed b/c I’m crying. I think I just get overwhelmed that as many times as I’ve tried and given up I’m actually making progress. 

Like I actually feel like I can do this. My doctor told me I could just lose 75 and be okay if I keep working out and eating healthy (which is still the struggle). But if I’m going to get that close to 100, I’m going to do it. It’s weird that I never thought I could even lose 25 and now at almost 50, I actually feel like I can lose 100 lbs. It doesn’t sound as far fetch as it use to. I actually feel like I can do this! 

I was joking with my friend that once I lose 75 lbs no one is going to be able to tell me anything. If— I mean when I lose 100, that will definitely be the case haha.

Jan 06

I went to a buffet for the first time in ages today after church. I felt like all 45 lbs I lost came back the minute I walked into the building. I felt so overwhelmed too. Something that use to be so regular to me is now so strange.